Admitting What this is all About

This is my "before" picture of the dress I'll wear on our wedding day: May 22. We're going for a 1940s theme, so I'll add some gloves, some antique jewelry, and have my hair and make-up done in 40s period style. The dress is a size 14 and it's just a little big...the straps are falling down and I've got some serious wiggle room in the bodice. But I really want to be a solid "Marlilyn Monroe" Size 10. So my goal is to have this altered down two sizes by May.

I couldn't agree more with Shoshanna...this weekly blog has started a journey of authenticity....of owning up to things I didn't formerly admit to. Denial Aint Just a River in Egypt!

 I know I'm not ridiculously overweight...but I feel like crap, every single inch of my body is covered in cellulite...even under my chin! And I hate, hate, hate to admit this...but I have a real, bonafide addiction to alcohol. It's a bigger deal than I was willing to see. Every night about 7 pm I'm looking for something to drink to put the day behind me. I love the taste, I need the sugar fix, I'm craving pain relief, and it's become a crutch for dealing with the stress of my workday that I'm not dealing with in a healthier manner. I always negated the habit by giving myself sympathy for having chronic back pain....(it's just self-meditation...not good, but not that bad either). I finally Googled "alcohol and cellulite" and was blown away with all of the articles that unequivocally link the two of them together. Some women are blessed with a less visible way to store and process toxins. I am not one of them. My little two-drinks a day addiction is all over my arms and thighs for the world to see. It's a daily reminder.

So I had a house-warming party this weekend, and the wine was flowing. I let myself enjoy it, but promised to lay off any alcohol the next day. Ohmigosh, you should have seen how I wrested with that....half-drunk bottles of wine on the kitchen counter....I poured a glass on Monday, totally justified it in my head, and then just before it touched my lips I begged for strength and poured the glass and the bottle down the drain. Now I'm on day two of being alcohol-free in the evening. It'll take some time, but I know that slowly I will feel the results of having less toxins....the pain in my back will reduce, I'll sleep better, my mind won't race at night, and I'll find more motivation to exercise and eat right.

So in the interest of not being so hard on myself anymore, I'm going to take the next few weeks to tackle just one problem at a time. I won't worry too much about pushing myself to leap tall buildings in the exercise and diet department. I just want to prove to myself that I don't need alcohol on a weeknight. I don't need it for pain management. I don't need it on a continual basis. I'll give myself an allowance on Thanksgiving and my birthday (Saturday), but other than those two days, I have no logical reason to need to imbibe. :)

This all came home for me when I was reading a book on numerology to understand your career purpose. I'm a "7"...the ministers and spiritual teachers of the world. Go figure. And right there in black and white, the author spelled out the "shadow" side of being a "7"... a tendency to alcohol and drug addiction. The reason for this is our constant focus on spiritual growth....when that focus turns into perfectionism, we often turn to alcohol to stop the tapes running in our head that are driving us to seek, seek, seek.

Reading that didn't give me license to drink, it just gave me license to admit that I was doing it.

Alright..... so I said it. And that's the goal: to be alcohol free for 5 out of 7 days this week. That'll be a first since the 21 day cleanse I did in September.

Go me.