The last 8 and next 12

OMG

IT HAS BEEN 8 WEEKS

I didn't make my goal!

What the heck!?!?

What am I doing??

Gotta get my arse in gear!

Man this is so hard.

Will I ever get there??

---fill in the blank--??

I would like to introduce you to my inner defeater, Nadine. She is sassy and impatient. She has been my inner voice for many diets over the last 20 years. Depending on the day, she can sound just like a disapproving mother, a drill sergeant or a 3 year old right before melt down. You know that little voice. It either makes me wrong for failing or it validates how hard losing weight is and helps me justify quitting.

It might sound crazy to give a name to that little voice. Anyone ever seen Sybil ?? But for me, calling that voice Nadine is a helpful reminder that the voice isn't me. I have the ability to create anything in my life. So Instead of beating myself up or linking arms with Nadine and proving how hard it is, I am adding in another support structure to keep me playing and keep me honest. Plus I am going to acknowledge the success of the last 2 months.

I have lost 8.4 pounds. That is an average of 1 pound a week. Not a bad result. More than the weight loss, I feel good. I have been working out an average of 4 times a week. I am able to run up the stairs in our house without getting winded at all. I feel more flexible after my 2 times a week yoga habit. My resting pulse is now 19. Not bad. So going forward??

My new support structure? I started the Fitness Game today. I am WAY EXCITED!! The Fitness Game is a transformational health program that deals with not only what to do to lose weight, but it also deals with beliefs that have you either win or lose. Part of the program is playing a 12 week on the court game. Included for support is a team (one of my teammates is my fiancee), a coach, and a scoreboard. My goal is to average 2 pounds lost a week. Here we go!!

Have a great week and I look forward to reporting next Monday on the game!!

Week 8 - Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble

First of all, Thanksgiving sucks when you are on a diet. It's the truth. Who wants to think about calories, fat, and fiber when you are talking mashed potatoes and stuffing. Hello gluttons paradise. Not only is there a TON of food but there is also full permission to eat until You are Stuffed! Forget 2nd helpings. Go for the 3rd or 4th helpings. Eat until you are so full that it is nap time. Then wake up and eat some more.

Check out this article about holiday weight gain. http://www.nichd.nih.gov/news/releases/holidayweightgain.cfm

ICK! I was not committed to having my typical Thanksgiving meal. I made a deal with myself that I could eat what I wanted as long as I ate only one plate worth (not including desert) and was active right after the meal. So I had one plate worth and the temptation proved too great. I went back for more cranberry salad and mashed potatoes. But I still went and played soccer with 3 kids and my fiancee for 30 minutes. It was a blast! Running after the kids and the ball.

All in all, I woke up this morning feeling really good about my choices. Went out to eat like 4 times with Thanksgiving tossed in there made for a challenging week for me food wise, but overall I felt good. Victory. See Results below.

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 23: 250

Week Eight 11/30/09

This morning: 248.8

-1.2 pounds

Have a good week!!

Transforming Failure - you mean I have to fail ARGH!

WAHHHHHHHH!!! I gained weight!!!

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 15: 246.6

Week Seven 11/23/09

This morning: 250

+3 pounds

Where to start? Well let's just say that after stepping on the scale I got totally ticked off at myself. I had brought the scale with me to the mountains so I could keep my promise (weigh myself on Monday and then blog about it). My fiancee's family was up in the mountains for a family gathering and Thanksgiving celebrations. It was a beautiful house btw. Unfortunately, the internet access in the house didn't work, and after I had gained weight, I wasn't in a big hurry to arrange something. Of course I can see that if I had spoken with Steven about the results and recommitted to the game, that would have helped.

Anyway. In looking back over the last week, I can see where there were failures. I can also see there were victories along the way. In my fashion, I will account for both. I appreciate having this method of accountability. I can't lie though. I would much rather have written about how I lost weight than how I gained. AND I do understand that I have a total say about how it goes. I definitely not a victim of chocolate chip cookies even though they begged for my participation and told me that without ice cream why bother.

Exercise -- VICTORY!!

I worked out for Seven days in a row. I went for a run on Saturday morning. I ran for 45 minutes. I was actually running hard enough to get a stitch in my side and be out of breath (Wahoo). I also did a work out at altitude (10,000 feet high) in Breckinridge. I brought my workout gear to the family gathering. I put on a one of my favorite Denise Austin tapes and got to work. I was seriously proud of myself for playing that part of the game this last week. I had my attention on it everyday. I was thinking about it and accounting for it daily.

Food -- Took my attention off of this

While working out so much, I got hungry. AND... I ate a lot (clearly). I tracked what I ate for two days and then stopped. For me out of sight is out of mind. If I don't write down what I eat, I am not tracking it. Gotta use the tools. While away on the family thanksgiving weekend, I ate lots of things I don't normally eat and ate them in unconscious portions.

What now... well I am still up for the same game. I sat down this morning and figured out roughly what I ate on Monday and Tuesday. All I got to say is WOW. When I stop tracking, I really stop tracking. I have written down what I have eaten today and am upping my water intake.

Starting on Monday of next week, I am starting the Fitness game. I have a scoreboard, a coach, and three other team members. Plus I am putting some $$ on it. More to come on that.

The game this week is really to keep my eye on both. Exercise and Food. I look forward to updating you on the Victories.

Have a great turkey day!!

Admitting What this is all About

This is my "before" picture of the dress I'll wear on our wedding day: May 22. We're going for a 1940s theme, so I'll add some gloves, some antique jewelry, and have my hair and make-up done in 40s period style. The dress is a size 14 and it's just a little big...the straps are falling down and I've got some serious wiggle room in the bodice. But I really want to be a solid "Marlilyn Monroe" Size 10. So my goal is to have this altered down two sizes by May.

I couldn't agree more with Shoshanna...this weekly blog has started a journey of authenticity....of owning up to things I didn't formerly admit to. Denial Aint Just a River in Egypt!

 I know I'm not ridiculously overweight...but I feel like crap, every single inch of my body is covered in cellulite...even under my chin! And I hate, hate, hate to admit this...but I have a real, bonafide addiction to alcohol. It's a bigger deal than I was willing to see. Every night about 7 pm I'm looking for something to drink to put the day behind me. I love the taste, I need the sugar fix, I'm craving pain relief, and it's become a crutch for dealing with the stress of my workday that I'm not dealing with in a healthier manner. I always negated the habit by giving myself sympathy for having chronic back pain....(it's just self-meditation...not good, but not that bad either). I finally Googled "alcohol and cellulite" and was blown away with all of the articles that unequivocally link the two of them together. Some women are blessed with a less visible way to store and process toxins. I am not one of them. My little two-drinks a day addiction is all over my arms and thighs for the world to see. It's a daily reminder.

So I had a house-warming party this weekend, and the wine was flowing. I let myself enjoy it, but promised to lay off any alcohol the next day. Ohmigosh, you should have seen how I wrested with that....half-drunk bottles of wine on the kitchen counter....I poured a glass on Monday, totally justified it in my head, and then just before it touched my lips I begged for strength and poured the glass and the bottle down the drain. Now I'm on day two of being alcohol-free in the evening. It'll take some time, but I know that slowly I will feel the results of having less toxins....the pain in my back will reduce, I'll sleep better, my mind won't race at night, and I'll find more motivation to exercise and eat right.

So in the interest of not being so hard on myself anymore, I'm going to take the next few weeks to tackle just one problem at a time. I won't worry too much about pushing myself to leap tall buildings in the exercise and diet department. I just want to prove to myself that I don't need alcohol on a weeknight. I don't need it for pain management. I don't need it on a continual basis. I'll give myself an allowance on Thanksgiving and my birthday (Saturday), but other than those two days, I have no logical reason to need to imbibe. :)

This all came home for me when I was reading a book on numerology to understand your career purpose. I'm a "7"...the ministers and spiritual teachers of the world. Go figure. And right there in black and white, the author spelled out the "shadow" side of being a "7"... a tendency to alcohol and drug addiction. The reason for this is our constant focus on spiritual growth....when that focus turns into perfectionism, we often turn to alcohol to stop the tapes running in our head that are driving us to seek, seek, seek.

Reading that didn't give me license to drink, it just gave me license to admit that I was doing it.

Alright..... so I said it. And that's the goal: to be alcohol free for 5 out of 7 days this week. That'll be a first since the 21 day cleanse I did in September.

Go me.

Losing More than Fat! And the new challenge!!

Losing More Than FAT!

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2
Last Week Nov. 10th: 249.4
Week 6 11/16/09
This Morning: 246.6
- 2.8 pounds lost last week


10.6 TOTAL Pounds Lost in Six Weeks
1.76 Pound weekly weight lost


Each week I become clearer and clearer that I am not just following a food and work out plan. I am transforming myself from the inside --> out and from the outside --> in. I am pushing myself up against (challenging myself) emotional stuff, spiritual stuff, AND physical issues that I have not completed from my past (this life and others). Basically skinny bitches isn't just about getting skinny. It's about "being" skinny. 


Losing the weight is an important measure of this game.  I am very excited about the results I have produced in the last 6 weeks. But I am just as excited about the process I have been experiencing along the way. The ways I have been breaking my patterns up and participating in new behaviors.


I know that in the past it would have been very hard to admit my failure (see Week Three Results). It would have been even harder to recover and produce results the following two weeks. I know many times in the past when this has happened that I would give up. When I give up, I eat and stop exercising. Not only does this result in further weight gain, but it also causes me to feel bad about myself. 


I know part of the reason for the results is this blog and all you peeps who have been reading, commenting, and emailing me. I am extremely grateful for each of you. Most especially my fiance Steven who has been soooo supportive. THANK YOU ERYN too for the idea. For those of you who have been telling me you can't comment, I have been told that in order to comment you have to set up a google account. I guess they (google) has a small issue with spammers. ; ) Sorry for those who can't comment yet. Please email me and let me know what your thoughts are. 


Now what is the next challenge....

2..3..1... Happy New New

On New Years Day 2010


I will weigh 231 Pounds

That gives me 6 weeks and 4 days

To Lose 15.6 pounds 

Why would I create such a big game? Cause' I like a little pressure. It motivates and propels me forward. Just like a champagne cork. I will be launched into 2010 having played full out with what's left of 2009. I will be ready to play full out in 2010 so I will be skinny and hot by Eryn's wedding in May of 2010!!

Anyone else want to create a fitness or weight loss goal by New Years Day 2010? Want an opportunity to play full out before the year is complete?? Let me or Eryn know. I would love to support you in any way I can. 

Thanks for reading.

FEEDING FRENZY!!! Watch your fingers and toes.

Feeding Frenzy

Hello all. I know I already wrote a blog entry this week, but I need to share with you what has happened for the last three days. It has been a feeding frenzy. Like how chum sends sharks into a mindless frenzy. Mentally, I disappeared and my unconscious feeding machine took over. Mentally and physically, I have been having a daily Thanksgiving gorge. Fast Food hamburgers. Smothered Breakfast Burritos. Ice Cream. Yummy food, yet...

Food Coma and Food Hangover anyone?

Don't be concerned. I am not beating myself up for failing. Instead I am trying something new here. I am sharing that I fell completely off the wagon. I don't mean that I got bumped and have been hanging on for dear life. Nope I fell off and just kept eating.

Ever seen Goonies. Remember Chunk. He heads towards the freezer. He smells and sees all the ice cream and doesn't notice the dead guy. I only saw food. Not even the food I was eating. It was more like what I was going to eat next. I don't actually know what set it off. Nothing significant. No tragedy. No serious upsets.

I am thinking of when I used to be on weight watchers. I would go in for the meetings. For those that have never partaken of weight watchers, I will paint the picture. Imagine a strip mall with fast food within walking distance. Potentially a pizza joint right next store. And you walk into a very plain beige room. Could be an insurance office? Other then the simple theatre style chairs all facing towards charts, weight loss tips, and pictures of smiling happy people. Well and the weigh-in booths. Each come with a scale (electronic variety) and your very own thin happy weigher.

The weigh-in women each week were my parish priests in that cathedral of weight loss. On weeks where FEEDING FRENZY had taken over, I was hoping beyond hope that the scale would not show what happened. The weigh in woman would look up at me and depending what the scale said I would either sigh in relief or try to confess what happened. I waited for those weigh in days for that accountability. I waited for those weigh in days frequently to remind me of my commitment. If it wasn't going well during the week, I would wait to say so until confession on weigh in day.

FORCE --> DISRUPT ---> TRY SOMETHING NEW

Ok disrupting my normal ways of thinking, acting, and feeling. I might still be confessing, but I am saying something now. I want to stand on the scale on Monday and fully own whatever it says. Instead of acting surprised and feeling like it happened to me. 'Oh poor me. See I don't have the right genes for being thin.' 'Maybe my scale is broken'. I am just stating a return to my Skinny Bitch game. For those who haven't read the first post by me, the skinny bitches game is - Exercise 30 minutes daily and follow weight watchers as it is designed until I weigh 155 pounds this or better. *After I reach goal I will have someone help me design a maintenance plan.

So this morning I woke up and did P90X. I opened my book where I track points and accounted for breakfast. I am awake and conscious. THank you for reading. Check back in on Monday of next week for the accounting of what is so. ; )

This week was a victory. I danced! I went running, more than once! I've done yoga consistently, every day! And my back feels SO SO So much better! My buddy Cory came to visit for the weekend and we went dancing...the picture is me (double chin and all) up on the go-go box trying to get the crowd riled up. The picture makes it look like I'm the only one dancing...but everyone else was doing the white man's shuffle, too. :) I'm down a 1/2 pound since last week...which is good since Cory and I ate everything in site for 5 days. But I think I didn't gain a bunch of weight because I really did get excited to start cooking with healthy ingredients again. I busted out the ole recipes from when I was married to an Indian...and made a chicken curry that was pretty damn good. I made a lot of whole grains instead of processed grains, and we had a yummy salad for a couple of meals. So we ate well, but didn't eat crap. That made a difference. Eating healthy is so much more fun than counting calories. I can be enrolled by that...and I have so much more fun cooking when my goal is to make "health nut" food taste good. Heck, we even figured out a way to accommodate Cory's request for breakfast burritos by using vegan breakfast sausage and organic whole wheat tortillas. They were tasty! So now I'm back! Feeling good about life again, and slowly but surely, weaning myself off of the nightly alcohol to manage back pain.

The biggest victory was yesterday...when Dave actually laid down and did a Gaiam Rodney Yee yoga video with me...it was totally fluffy bunny, but he did every bit of it, and then remarked last night about how good he felt. We managed to go to bed early...and I poured my rum and coke down the sink. To me, that was big. And then, ladies...you know what happens when you go to bed early and you feel good....time for chicka chicka bow wow!!!

The Joy of Movement

Joy  Of Movement


"The greatest trick and most subtle secret to doing anything really, really well, Shoshanna, is loving that you get to do it at all.

And I'm pleased to say, you get to - 

    The Universe"

*Notes from the Universe by 

Mike Dooley

My joy this week... was movement - Yoga, Dance, and weight lifting. I feel good!


Week 5 11/09/09
Starting Weight 10/05/09: 257.2
Last Week: 251.4
This Morning: 249.4
- 2.0 pounds


I have the temptation to just say "Good Job Sho". But I am willing each week to dig a bit deeper and say what worked and what didn't inside of success and failure. I am going to use this journey full up!


So why the success this week?


Food:
What Worked? 
I paid attention to making good choices while not denying myself. I bought some Marshmallow Lover's hot cocoa. It got rid of my sweet tooth in the afternoon for only 120 calories and 1.5 grams of fat. It was a good choice. Typically when I crave chocolate, I have some and the fat is really high. Hot cocoa gets rid of my craving and is only 2 points versus 4 or 5 points for not much chocolate.


What didn't worked? 
I had a lot of erasure this week. (For those of you who haven't heard me talk about the side effects of having the Lap Band, email or facebook me and I will explain). I wanted to pretend that I didn't have the band this week and eat things that I know will get stuck. I ate a breadstick (olive garden), a tortilla, part of a biscuit. There are things that I should avoid mostly bread, certain kinds meats, certain fruits, and drinking after eating (BAD IDEA). I notice the kid inside fighting with my commitment. It was comical and would have been more funny had I not felt so sick. The best plan is for me to eat the right kind of proteins with veggies. It works best with my tool. ; )




Exercise:
What didn't work?
The only thing that didn't work about exercise this week was # of times I actually made it downstairs to accomplish it. My game is 7 days a week (I created a big game to push myself). I accomplished 4 days. Not bad, but just 57% of the game. 


What worked?
So much this week worked about movement. I added back in Yoga. Yeah! love it love it love it. I am noticing my movement in general is becoming more free and strong. 


Unrelated Victory??
I sometimes get frustrated and annoyed with people. That is a new thing for me. No, I mean I got frustrated with people before but I didn't feel it. I was numb. I was full, numb, and heavy. In the last year since getting the lap band and starting this journey, I can actually feel. I watch my anger starting in my gut boiling like Old Faithful.  It makes its way up to my throat where it wants to burst out of me like a fireball from a dragon's mouth. ARGH!! You might consider being angry not a victory, but for me, it is a new feeling. A welcome feeling. It is correlated to being alive!


So... I ask you to consider have you ever used food instead of feeling. Have you ever watched someone else use food (or something else) to not feel? 


Please add comments and if you read this and are not adding comments, then I don't know you are reading it. Please let me know. 


Have a great week!!

Week 4 - Halloween & A Blizzard Doh!

BOO!!!

Week 4 11/02/09
Starting Weight 10/05/09: 257.2
Last Week: 251.8
This Morning: 251.4
- .4 pounds

Seriously, if this week had a theme it would have been from 5K to Couch Potato. Came home early due to weather on Wednesday. Got home at 2pm and just vegged on the couch, which actually meant snacking and watching tv. Then on Thursday it was a blizzard and I didn't go to work. Again a whole day of "Vegging". I know that when I relax, I really let myself go. 

The victory of this week was that I didn't gain weight. A pattern I have is to gain weight one week and then gain more the next week and then quit. So I am getting back in the game. More to come on that.

Wisdom Weight Loss and Accountability Group

Old Leaves/New Leaves

I'm writing this while buzzing on Vicadin and listening to old LPs of Andy Williams.The Vicadin is for my back. I'm so jacked up that I can't bend over and touch my knees....the result of too much alcohol (causes inflammation) and a hot pair of stiletto boots from the Halloween revelry this past weekend.  

There's good news and bad news. We'll get the bad knews out of the way first. 
I must fess up. I put back on ALL the weight I lost on HCG two weeks ago. I feel like crap, and my joints hurt so much that I couldn't go jogging or dancing if I tried. The GOOD news is that mentally I feel like a million bucks, because I've had a breakthrough. (And Shoshanna is a great coach). I looked in the mirror this morning and saw the huge and ever widening chasm between how I used to be with health and how I am now. I've actually devolved in my behavior. From the overly processed Sam's Club food in my refrigerator, and the consistency with which I drink alcohol, you would never have guessed that I used to be a whole food Nutrition Zealot. I barely recognize myself. Nutrition used to be my religion. I've studied it since I was a teenager and my teachers have said on several occasions that I have the equivalent of a PhD in holistic health.

Yet my behavior now is such a far cry from who I used to be. What happened? I used to have a thriving coaching practice with clients from all over the country, teaching them about advanced and cutting edge nutritional science. I soaked my almonds. I cooked with exotic whole grains. I was like a walking encyclopedia....my family used to call me for advice on all of their ailments. Now I would be embarrassed for any of my clients to see what I eat.Why did I give up and let it all go?

Well, it's sort of like taking a break from being in a religious cult. I just got tired of trying to be so good all the time and I let the pendulum swing the other way. I dated guys who thought my nutritional standards were too high to accommodate and I got so tired of trying to convince them that they were slowly killing themselves that I just gave up....and then, bless his heart, I fell in love with Dave (my fiance) who was raised on good ole' Michigan fare: BBQ ribs, pizza,  Bob Evans sausage and gravy, and plenty of beer. Even though he has been nothing but supportive of my desire to eat well, I think I used him as an excuse to let things get really out of hand. And now I'm about two years into a steady habit of eating late at night in front of the television, way too much meat, and a glass of wine or a drink every night before bed (and much more on the weekends). Sunday turned into "free for all"...donuts, nutella and peanut butter, cookies....whatever we wanted to celebrate the weekend. Who am I? Three years ago I was always on my soap box preaching against these sort of habits. Now I'm 25 pounds over-weight, my back pain is so out of hand that I'm on drugs on a consistent basis, and I have cellulite in my cleavage! C'mon!!!

So here's the part where I realize it's time to grow up. I don't need to be a Food Nazi, but I don't need to completely ignore everything I know either. It's like finding a "middle of the road" church that isn't evangelistic, but not too laid back either. I've got to stand for something!

So here is the "New Leaf" I'm turning over, sort of based on the old leaf I used to be. Back to whole grains and less meat....whole grain hot cereals in the morning are so yummy for breakfast, especially with buckwheat, spelt, quinoa, millet, etc. I love making bean curries and spanish beans and brown rice, to cut down on meat-based dinners. Dave loves them, too. I want to get out all my old cook books from the Master's degree program I was going through in Holistic Nutrition, and resurrect the cooking methods of my ancestors....no need for processed foods...they make me feel yucky anyway.

Foods with an acidic PH are what cause all of my joint pain: sugar, meat, processed foods, and alcohol. If I can cut that down, I'll be pain free in about week. (The next time I write a blog entry). Then I can get back to jogging and dancing.  Alcohol is for social occasions and parties, not every day.

I'm back, World! Eryn, the Health Nut, Returns. Part II.