Motivation in a Bottle

Whenever I used to fantasize about winning the lottery or running into a bottomless pit of money....the first thing I'd do in my dreamworld was hire a personal trainer. Without fail, that was ALWAYS my first wish. I mean, that's why the celebrities can do it...right? They have help, they have someone educated telling them what to do, they have someone holding them accountable to going to the gym. They have someone watching over their reps, to make sure they didn't cheat. Help.....the magic key to success. 

And then something magical happened...I took off the delusional glasses and realized that hiring a trainer didn't require tons of money, and that if I cut back on a few unnecessary trips to Target and Amy's Flaming Burrito Barn, I'd have enough money for my very own trainer. Voila!  Between the Christmas and New Year's specials that my gym was running, I got a DEAL! And now....I have the thing of fairytales: Motivation in A Bottle.

And it truly is miraculous. Exercising is BEYOND EASY now, compared to the emotional teeth-pulling I had to do PPT (prior personal trainer). I looked at Lovely Vince the other day and asked him: "Do you REALLY know why it's so much easier to work-out with a you than by myself? Like, do you really get it...the magic of this process? Are you fully present to the miracle? The Christmas Miracle?".  He replied: ..."Well, I know it has something to do with motivation."

Oh, that was my opening.

"Let me break it down for you, Vince. YOU eliminate the choice to quit. It's that simple. When I bend down into that Butt Blaster machine and I'm whining and complaining about how much my glutes hurt with every rep, I know that I'm not going to stop at 12 reps or 13 reps or even 14 1/2 reps. I know I have to do 15 reps in every set because you're standing there, totally attentive and counting with me. That means of all the B.S. running around in my little brain, the one thing that cannot and IS NOT running around in my brain is the option to quit or cheat or do less.  That is magical. That is a Christmas Miracle".

Why is this so amazing....? Because quitting, cheating, doing less.....those are all the reasons I failed at losing weight and getting in shape for the last 15 years. That's the core of it. Before, I quit. Before, I didn't give it my all. Before, I cheated. Before, I gave up.  What happens when those things aren't even options anymore? Well...the problem is eliminated entirely.  As long as Vince is around, I will be successful.  Ah, the magic of a little help.

Now...if I could just hire someone to stand next to my refrigerator and portion out my food..... The cupboard police.  The Refrigerator Sheriff. Ah, he'd be so cute....a little elf that sat on the shelf at the grocery store, right next to the jar of Nutella...no, no...he needs to stand on my shopping cart and give me an electrical shock every time I drop something into that cart that is going to end up on my thighs. Sort of like the Tooth Fairy....only He'd be more like the Carb Fairy.....

Okay....Happy New Year... We're going into 2010 with optimism!

Merry Yule - The holidays are here

Creating the Holidays

aka Consciousness, Play, AND Pleasure

First Results

Results for Week Eleven

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 30: 246.4

Week Nine 12/7/09

This morning: 249

+2.6 pounds

Weight gain this week is a bummer but I am not going to dwell there. I have two weeks left in the year and I am going to rocket into 2010. I can seen that the weight gain is probably due to being sick last week, taking 3 days off of working out, and not tracking points for 4 days. I did run a 5K (3.2 miles) last week and was able to do so in 36 minutes. Pretty cool.

So my focus for this week is to enjoy the Holidays in a conscious and playful way. I plan on allowing myself to be present to the pleasure of the Holidays. The additional sights and sounds. Foods that I only have once a year. The opportunity to see members of my family that I typically only see once a year. My focus for the next 6 days is to practice being present to the game I am playing while being present to my family and all of the festivities.

I spoke with Eryn this morning and she reminded me of the joy I find in exercising. I know that I will enjoy the Holidays more if I bring activity to each day. I did that on Thanksgiving and I certainly enjoyed it more.

This morning I went on ON DEMAND on Comcast. They have exercise tv. I did a killer workout with Jillian Roberts (the Biggest Loser strength coach).

Next week... Completing 2009 and Creating 2010. I will share goals and areas for development.

Blessings to all and enjoy the Holidays fully. I promise I will.

Christmas: The Mt. Everest of Dieters

I want to create a new definition for Christmas. The collective belief about the holidays is that it's the time we're all bound to fall off the wagon, and then berate ourselves with guilt for days afterward. WHY would we consciously engage in this nonsense...it's like knowingly and willingly setting ourselves up for a mental beating. How masochistic!
This year I want to do something different... My new HOT trainer says that we go to the gym SO THAT we can treat ourselves and not feel guilty. Yesterday, as he's kicking my ass on the weight machines, we're chatting about how much fun it is to sneak yummy food into the movie theater in my big grandma purse.

Dave and I make a huge event out of going to the theater. We hate the gross, over-priced concession-stand food, so we pack a little tupperware of "gourmet" treats....like dark organic chocolate, dried fruit, gluten-free peanut butter cookies...whatever looks good in the "candy" aisle at Whole Foods... and we stuff it into my purse with two expertly made water bottles concealing our favorite cocktail, or Irish Coffee. Vince was just laughing his ass off at how excited I was by the ritual, but then as soon as I started to berate myself for all the calories, he said "No, Eryn...that's why you come into the gym, so you can do stuff like that. It's great bonding for you and your fiance...you can act like kids, sneaking food into the movies, necking in the back of the theatre..."

And I thought...."Heck, yeah! I don't always have to be a food Nazi if I'm consciously choosing to balance my choices with work-outs, etc."  It's true...when I've had a particularly acidic meal, like too many carbs or meat, I usually always balance it out at the next meal with extra vegetables...  And we can enjoy Christmas the same way.   We can have dessert, we can savor the home-cooked meals and Christmas Cookies and we can do it all with guilt-free enjoyment, IF we know that we're consciously choosing to eat lighter at the next meal and go for a longer workout, or sneak in an extra jog around the neighborhood. 

So anyway....that's my new outlook for the holidays. HAVE FUN, but trade the fun with some discipline the day before or the day after.

Vince scheduled an extra training session for me on the 24th, so I'll lift weights three times this week even though Friday is a holiday. The extra day makes me feel excited for Christmas, rather than dreading the temptation. :)

Oh, and I think it's time to start recording my weight the way Shoshanna does. Now that I'm on a regular regimen, I've got to be accountable to the readers: So here goes.
This morning, December 22. I weighed in at 186 pounds. My BMI is 30.5% Terrible, I know. Horrible, unhealthy....but heck, I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to get my ass to the gym this afternoon and put one foot in front of the other. My short term goal is 26% BMI and my long-term goal (wedding in May) is 18%. Vince says it's do-able, so I believe him.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

High on Endorphins! Why didn't I Do this Earlier???

Okay, I'm finally making some real progress so it's time for some pictorial reference points. This picture will have to suffice for my "before" shot. Look closely, I've got a belly that looks about 4 months pregnant, my arms are like long Italian sausages, and I have the famous double chin from my Mom's side of the family.

BUT NOT FOR LONG, BABY!

I am so excited to report that I've had two sessions with my HOT personal trainer, and already I feel amazing! More importantly, I scheduled my sessions for early in the morning...which started a very positive chain of events. Firstly, I go to bed earlier, which dramatically decreases my temptation to eat after dinner. If I'm not up, I'm not watching TV, and if I'm not watching TV, I have no need to munchy munch.

Also...just two days of weight-lifting for my core has given me INCREDIBLE relief from the usual debilitating back pain. I used to brace myself before sitting down in my car or bending over to put on my shoes....but the last two days have been filled with little overjoyed moments bending over and preparing myself to get a pinch in my back, and then being pleasant surprised that there was no pain.   Ah!!! There is hope!

So my hottie trainer, Vince, wants me to keep a food log as well. Everything gets written down... And I'm on track to exercise 6 days a week. Three days of weight training and cardio, and three days of just cardio. So far, it's been easy! Now I just need to keep the momentum.

I am SO amazed at easy it is to go to the gym when I'm accountable to someone else to be there. I always thought I'd have to be rich and "settled" before I had the time and money to hire a trainer, but with the economy being what it is, the gyms are giving killer deals right now. So I finally have what I thought I'd only have when I was "wealthy". I have support, I have a hot guy to stare at who is cheering me on, and I have a next-door neighbor who looks out her window to check to see if my car has left the drive-way on the mornings she knows I need to get into the gym. 

Yeah! It's so nice to not be alone with this anymore...  I do a lot of things alone...this is one that I don't have to!

And my call with Shoshanna was the most helpful tool of the week. Leave it to women to change their bodies and change the world by banding together!!

Happy Holidays!

Interceding on my own behalf ~

Family Reunion July 2008 ~ 284 Pounds

Holiday Party 12/13/09 ~ 246.4 Pounds

Consider the postage stamp:

its usefulness consists in the ability to stick

to one thing till it gets there.

~Josh Billings

Results for Week Ten

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 30: 248.8

Week Nine 12/7/09

This morning: 246.4

-.8 pounds

Hi all. I find myself in a very familiar place mentally and emotionally. I have certainly been here before. At a certain stage of results, I begin to contemplate the following conversations - "Why am I doing this again?" "This is frigging hard?" "Couldn't I just take a pill or something?" "I have so FAR TO GO!! [boohoo]".

You get the idea. What I have never considered before is interceding on my own behalf. If a friend of mine was dealing with this, I would have the following conversation with them. Below is Myself coaching me ; )

Ok... Shoshanna. I know you feel like you have hardly moved yourself from start to

anywhere that matters. But that is just a conversation in your head. You feel and

look differently. Your clothes fit differently. Your flexibility and strength are increasing.

Just think about it -

Were you getting up 5-7 days a week exercising before? No...

Could you run 3.5 miles straight 10 weeks ago? No..

Did reaching goal weight seem possible before? No...

Well if you aren't sure look at some damn pictures. Get into reality. Acknowledge the big and

small victories. (See pics above). You can see your neck. You got cheek bones. Your

skin looks luminous.

Yes, you would like to be at goal right now. But you're not. Take a moment and focus

on the Why?! Instead of focusing on the What and The How. When you get too focused

on the end result and all of the work it will take, it doesn't empower you so don't focus on

that.

So... After that great conversation with myself (hehehe), what I am really reminded of are

all of my goals. Feeling good everyday. Walking into my doctor's office and being a "healthy"

BMI for the first time in my life. Running a half-marathon, full marathon, or a triathlon

(Spring length). Being able to shop anywhere I want. Being able to talk with my mom

about something else. Wearing a regular swim suit. Most of all - I can feel what it would

be like to knowing myself as a courageous person. Cause not only did I accomplish my goal,

but I had the opportunity to inspire others to live healthy.

Who knows?! Skinny Bitches could start a revolution of healthy people who both reached

their health goals and realized they weren't fixing something, but instead where transforming

something mind, Body, and Spirit one moment a time.

[sigh]

Thank you for reading. For this week,I am taking on mileage in my runs now. I am

going to focus on nutrition this week. My 5-a day (fruit and veggies), water, taking

my multi-vitamin, and sleeping 8 hours a night.

Blessings all!!

My Neighbor is a Walking Billboard for Gold's Gym

Last Saturday my newest friend, Michelle, had her 40th birthday party. She's actually our next-door neighbor and the quintessential example of Southern Hospitality (even thought she's a transplant from Wisconsin). She's cute, bubbly, always calling out to me across the yard "Hey Girl! Howyadoin?"  I love her and I can't stand her...cuz she has this bottomless well of self-disclipline.

Two months ago, when we first moved in, she and her husband and two darling children came over to welcome us and give us a tour of our house (they knew more about the history of our house than we did). As all women do, (don't pretend you don't) I checked her out to see if I had anything to be jealous of. She was perfect in all ways...little waist, gorgeous, but ah...yep, there is it was....my saving grace: a lot too much in her pudunka a dunk. Definitely some junk in the trunk.

Now, of course, this Southern belle had popped out two kids and a little extra bummage is totally forgiveable. But it did even the playing field, so to speak. I didn't have to die of jealousy every time I saw her.

And then the unthinkable happened. She got all fired up before her 40th birthday and hired a trainer...went to the gym EVERY DAY for at least 30 minutes before picking up the kids from school, and OHMIGOSH, POOF....the junk in the trunk was gone! She looks amazing....tight muscles in her arms, smooth skin tone, flat belly, AHHHHH! I was green with envy and totally motivated at the same time! AND, her trainer ( a gorgeous and sweet black man with all sorts of charm) came to the party to celebrate her new body on her birthday. He must have signed up 5 ladies for training sessions that night. Even Dave woke up the next morning and said "we gotta get a gym membership".

Since both of our birthdays and Christmas fall into the same 4 week time period, and since Dave's mom is crazy about sending gifts....we called her up and requested cash for the gym and training sessions in lieu of other gifts. So I have no excuses now, I'm going to start training by Christmas! And I've already got a work-out buddy... Michelle is so stoked to go to the gym every day that she wants to get certified as a trainer, and I'll be her first practice client!

Other than the motivating weekend, we made big strides as well. We worked out almost every day and stopped snacking at night. My alcohol consumption is a fraction of what it used to be (even considering the parties), and I'm feeling very very hopeful.

Okay....skinny bitches! Bring it on!

Mind over trail mix

Estes Park, Colorado

"Rule your mind or it will rule you" Horace

Results for Week Nine

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 30: 248.8

Week Nine 12/7/09

This morning: 247.2

-1.6 pounds

The picture above is part of my victory of the past week. I went for a 40-minute run in Estes Park. Altitude 7,500 feet. It was cold enough to make my eyes water, and it was kicking my butt. As I neared 30 minutes though, I looked up and saw the scene from above. It caused me to take a deep breath and feel simultaneously very small yet very filled with aliveness. I love running.

This week was my first week of the Fitness Game. It was filled with challenges that I could predict and some that I wasn't expecting. Let's just say that trail mix was stronger than my brain Wednesday. I ate an entire bag of it. 1,300 calories. Opps. The first little bit tasted good, but I don't remember any part after that. I went on auto-pilot. It was on a day at work where I was doing bookkeeping stuff. It is very detail work but repetitive. In auto-pilot, I frequently crave crunchy, salty, and sweet. I guess I needed something to do with my mouth. Success. It took approximately 2+ hours to consume 5 cups of trail mix. ; )

Out of the "Trail Mix" experience, I re-commited to writing my Core Mindsets and reading them daily. In the Fitness Game, each person creates Core Mindsets. They are more than daily affirmations. Core Mindsets are designed to reprogram your brain. Fitness Game Prescription: Repeat until true. I created a few for my participation in the Fitness Game. Below is my favorite one.

Living Healthy is a joyful, daily expression of Mind, Body, and Spirit.

What it replaced was an old mindset.

“Living Healthy is the right way to live because being fat is WRONG (embarrassing and so on.)!!!!”

The underline can be replaced by any number of adjectives about how I feel about how much I weigh. This old mindset has spun me for years into a “should” and then “resist” cycle. So how it looks is I work really hard. I follow a diet very closely. I do all the exercising I am suppose to. I do this for a certain amount of time then... I resist or resent my need to do all of “this” (workout, eat healthy and so on). So I stop everything typically in secret. I eat whatever I want. I don't exercise. I go overboard to do the exact opposite whatever the original plan was.

While in this resist process, I mentally brow beat myself over and over for being lazy or not disciplined enough. Emotionally I feel bad or embarrassed or ashamed (or sometimes all three at once) every time I see someone exercising or being thinner than me, which because I have weighed in the high 200's for a long time means just about everyone else has been thinner than me. Physically I almost feel in pain cause of the mind crud and the emotional stuff. After a long day of beating myself up I either need consoling or want to numb out.

To break this blasted cycle is going to take some attention so my solutions are. One - I am going to take really good care of myself. Getting the sleep I need. Taking my vitamin. Listening to my body and knowing when I need to do yoga instead of going for a run. Two - Celebrating every fricking victory immediately. IMMEDIATELY!!! That includes celebrating with others as well as doing an end zone dance. Third – Practice choosing in every moment again and again and again yep again to live healthy. By choosing I mean taking the process of this moment by moment, meal by meal, workout session by workout session. This for me is the rest of my life.

So My Victories this Week include – Reaching 10 pounds lost. Losing 2 weeks in a row. Having a week where I ran twice and worked out 6 of 7 days. Not giving up and moving towards living healthy even after the Trail Mix incident. Going away for a weekend with friends and choosing every bite I put in my mouth. HUGE VICTORIES!!! Go Me... Any victories out there I can celebrate for you?

Namaste!!

If Shoshanna gets to have a sassy name for her inner defeator, I get to as well!
Except that my inner voice of defeat doesn't sound so sassy...she reminds me more of an old hag from the Middle Ages in a cold northern region of Europe, bitching about her tight corset, her lazy husband, and the recent increase of taxes to the king. Ha! Ah yes....her name is Irma. Penny-pinching Irma with no sense of humor and a bosom full of worries. In my head she's alway complaining that I'm not working hard enough and Dave is squandering all the natural resources of the western hemisphere by leaving the light on in his closet.

So it was a good week. "Birthday Week" as we say in the Welch/DeFoort household....a full week of revelry and self-indulgence to celebrate that I'm 34. I got a massage, I went to the salon and got bright Crayola-Red highlights in my hair, and we got to watch chick-flicks instead of guy-flicks!

I'm proud to say that I did not over-drink. In fact I believe I drank half of what I did the week before, some days not at all...which is a milestone. I only made it that far because we committed to making the Thanksgiving Break a time of activity, which cut down on the back pain. On Thursday morning we got up right away and took our bikes to a nearby park. On Friday my friend Pearl, from Denver, came for an overnight visit. We went out to eat at a tapas bar, which was so much fun....ordering several plates of tiny portions and dragging out the meal for hours...definitely gave the illusion that I ate a ton of food when I really didn't. The night did culminate in all of us dancing to Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel" at 3 a.m. in our living room, so I think that counts as exercise.

Saturday and Sunday were more biking and yoga, and reasonable meals. I didn't drop any weight, which Irma was quick to point out, but I'm reminding her that this past week was about proving to myself that I can find other ways to reduce back pain than a bottle of wine. And to that goal, I am making progress. 

The coming week is about graduating from biking and yoga to an actual communion with my running shoes. Anybody have any suggestions for good running music?

The last 8 and next 12

OMG

IT HAS BEEN 8 WEEKS

I didn't make my goal!

What the heck!?!?

What am I doing??

Gotta get my arse in gear!

Man this is so hard.

Will I ever get there??

---fill in the blank--??

I would like to introduce you to my inner defeater, Nadine. She is sassy and impatient. She has been my inner voice for many diets over the last 20 years. Depending on the day, she can sound just like a disapproving mother, a drill sergeant or a 3 year old right before melt down. You know that little voice. It either makes me wrong for failing or it validates how hard losing weight is and helps me justify quitting.

It might sound crazy to give a name to that little voice. Anyone ever seen Sybil ?? But for me, calling that voice Nadine is a helpful reminder that the voice isn't me. I have the ability to create anything in my life. So Instead of beating myself up or linking arms with Nadine and proving how hard it is, I am adding in another support structure to keep me playing and keep me honest. Plus I am going to acknowledge the success of the last 2 months.

I have lost 8.4 pounds. That is an average of 1 pound a week. Not a bad result. More than the weight loss, I feel good. I have been working out an average of 4 times a week. I am able to run up the stairs in our house without getting winded at all. I feel more flexible after my 2 times a week yoga habit. My resting pulse is now 19. Not bad. So going forward??

My new support structure? I started the Fitness Game today. I am WAY EXCITED!! The Fitness Game is a transformational health program that deals with not only what to do to lose weight, but it also deals with beliefs that have you either win or lose. Part of the program is playing a 12 week on the court game. Included for support is a team (one of my teammates is my fiancee), a coach, and a scoreboard. My goal is to average 2 pounds lost a week. Here we go!!

Have a great week and I look forward to reporting next Monday on the game!!

Week 8 - Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble

First of all, Thanksgiving sucks when you are on a diet. It's the truth. Who wants to think about calories, fat, and fiber when you are talking mashed potatoes and stuffing. Hello gluttons paradise. Not only is there a TON of food but there is also full permission to eat until You are Stuffed! Forget 2nd helpings. Go for the 3rd or 4th helpings. Eat until you are so full that it is nap time. Then wake up and eat some more.

Check out this article about holiday weight gain. http://www.nichd.nih.gov/news/releases/holidayweightgain.cfm

ICK! I was not committed to having my typical Thanksgiving meal. I made a deal with myself that I could eat what I wanted as long as I ate only one plate worth (not including desert) and was active right after the meal. So I had one plate worth and the temptation proved too great. I went back for more cranberry salad and mashed potatoes. But I still went and played soccer with 3 kids and my fiancee for 30 minutes. It was a blast! Running after the kids and the ball.

All in all, I woke up this morning feeling really good about my choices. Went out to eat like 4 times with Thanksgiving tossed in there made for a challenging week for me food wise, but overall I felt good. Victory. See Results below.

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 23: 250

Week Eight 11/30/09

This morning: 248.8

-1.2 pounds

Have a good week!!

Transforming Failure - you mean I have to fail ARGH!

WAHHHHHHHH!!! I gained weight!!!

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2

Last Week Nov. 15: 246.6

Week Seven 11/23/09

This morning: 250

+3 pounds

Where to start? Well let's just say that after stepping on the scale I got totally ticked off at myself. I had brought the scale with me to the mountains so I could keep my promise (weigh myself on Monday and then blog about it). My fiancee's family was up in the mountains for a family gathering and Thanksgiving celebrations. It was a beautiful house btw. Unfortunately, the internet access in the house didn't work, and after I had gained weight, I wasn't in a big hurry to arrange something. Of course I can see that if I had spoken with Steven about the results and recommitted to the game, that would have helped.

Anyway. In looking back over the last week, I can see where there were failures. I can also see there were victories along the way. In my fashion, I will account for both. I appreciate having this method of accountability. I can't lie though. I would much rather have written about how I lost weight than how I gained. AND I do understand that I have a total say about how it goes. I definitely not a victim of chocolate chip cookies even though they begged for my participation and told me that without ice cream why bother.

Exercise -- VICTORY!!

I worked out for Seven days in a row. I went for a run on Saturday morning. I ran for 45 minutes. I was actually running hard enough to get a stitch in my side and be out of breath (Wahoo). I also did a work out at altitude (10,000 feet high) in Breckinridge. I brought my workout gear to the family gathering. I put on a one of my favorite Denise Austin tapes and got to work. I was seriously proud of myself for playing that part of the game this last week. I had my attention on it everyday. I was thinking about it and accounting for it daily.

Food -- Took my attention off of this

While working out so much, I got hungry. AND... I ate a lot (clearly). I tracked what I ate for two days and then stopped. For me out of sight is out of mind. If I don't write down what I eat, I am not tracking it. Gotta use the tools. While away on the family thanksgiving weekend, I ate lots of things I don't normally eat and ate them in unconscious portions.

What now... well I am still up for the same game. I sat down this morning and figured out roughly what I ate on Monday and Tuesday. All I got to say is WOW. When I stop tracking, I really stop tracking. I have written down what I have eaten today and am upping my water intake.

Starting on Monday of next week, I am starting the Fitness game. I have a scoreboard, a coach, and three other team members. Plus I am putting some $$ on it. More to come on that.

The game this week is really to keep my eye on both. Exercise and Food. I look forward to updating you on the Victories.

Have a great turkey day!!

Admitting What this is all About

This is my "before" picture of the dress I'll wear on our wedding day: May 22. We're going for a 1940s theme, so I'll add some gloves, some antique jewelry, and have my hair and make-up done in 40s period style. The dress is a size 14 and it's just a little big...the straps are falling down and I've got some serious wiggle room in the bodice. But I really want to be a solid "Marlilyn Monroe" Size 10. So my goal is to have this altered down two sizes by May.

I couldn't agree more with Shoshanna...this weekly blog has started a journey of authenticity....of owning up to things I didn't formerly admit to. Denial Aint Just a River in Egypt!

 I know I'm not ridiculously overweight...but I feel like crap, every single inch of my body is covered in cellulite...even under my chin! And I hate, hate, hate to admit this...but I have a real, bonafide addiction to alcohol. It's a bigger deal than I was willing to see. Every night about 7 pm I'm looking for something to drink to put the day behind me. I love the taste, I need the sugar fix, I'm craving pain relief, and it's become a crutch for dealing with the stress of my workday that I'm not dealing with in a healthier manner. I always negated the habit by giving myself sympathy for having chronic back pain....(it's just self-meditation...not good, but not that bad either). I finally Googled "alcohol and cellulite" and was blown away with all of the articles that unequivocally link the two of them together. Some women are blessed with a less visible way to store and process toxins. I am not one of them. My little two-drinks a day addiction is all over my arms and thighs for the world to see. It's a daily reminder.

So I had a house-warming party this weekend, and the wine was flowing. I let myself enjoy it, but promised to lay off any alcohol the next day. Ohmigosh, you should have seen how I wrested with that....half-drunk bottles of wine on the kitchen counter....I poured a glass on Monday, totally justified it in my head, and then just before it touched my lips I begged for strength and poured the glass and the bottle down the drain. Now I'm on day two of being alcohol-free in the evening. It'll take some time, but I know that slowly I will feel the results of having less toxins....the pain in my back will reduce, I'll sleep better, my mind won't race at night, and I'll find more motivation to exercise and eat right.

So in the interest of not being so hard on myself anymore, I'm going to take the next few weeks to tackle just one problem at a time. I won't worry too much about pushing myself to leap tall buildings in the exercise and diet department. I just want to prove to myself that I don't need alcohol on a weeknight. I don't need it for pain management. I don't need it on a continual basis. I'll give myself an allowance on Thanksgiving and my birthday (Saturday), but other than those two days, I have no logical reason to need to imbibe. :)

This all came home for me when I was reading a book on numerology to understand your career purpose. I'm a "7"...the ministers and spiritual teachers of the world. Go figure. And right there in black and white, the author spelled out the "shadow" side of being a "7"... a tendency to alcohol and drug addiction. The reason for this is our constant focus on spiritual growth....when that focus turns into perfectionism, we often turn to alcohol to stop the tapes running in our head that are driving us to seek, seek, seek.

Reading that didn't give me license to drink, it just gave me license to admit that I was doing it.

Alright..... so I said it. And that's the goal: to be alcohol free for 5 out of 7 days this week. That'll be a first since the 21 day cleanse I did in September.

Go me.

Losing More than Fat! And the new challenge!!

Losing More Than FAT!

Starting Weight Oct. 5th: 257.2
Last Week Nov. 10th: 249.4
Week 6 11/16/09
This Morning: 246.6
- 2.8 pounds lost last week


10.6 TOTAL Pounds Lost in Six Weeks
1.76 Pound weekly weight lost


Each week I become clearer and clearer that I am not just following a food and work out plan. I am transforming myself from the inside --> out and from the outside --> in. I am pushing myself up against (challenging myself) emotional stuff, spiritual stuff, AND physical issues that I have not completed from my past (this life and others). Basically skinny bitches isn't just about getting skinny. It's about "being" skinny. 


Losing the weight is an important measure of this game.  I am very excited about the results I have produced in the last 6 weeks. But I am just as excited about the process I have been experiencing along the way. The ways I have been breaking my patterns up and participating in new behaviors.


I know that in the past it would have been very hard to admit my failure (see Week Three Results). It would have been even harder to recover and produce results the following two weeks. I know many times in the past when this has happened that I would give up. When I give up, I eat and stop exercising. Not only does this result in further weight gain, but it also causes me to feel bad about myself. 


I know part of the reason for the results is this blog and all you peeps who have been reading, commenting, and emailing me. I am extremely grateful for each of you. Most especially my fiance Steven who has been soooo supportive. THANK YOU ERYN too for the idea. For those of you who have been telling me you can't comment, I have been told that in order to comment you have to set up a google account. I guess they (google) has a small issue with spammers. ; ) Sorry for those who can't comment yet. Please email me and let me know what your thoughts are. 


Now what is the next challenge....

2..3..1... Happy New New

On New Years Day 2010


I will weigh 231 Pounds

That gives me 6 weeks and 4 days

To Lose 15.6 pounds 

Why would I create such a big game? Cause' I like a little pressure. It motivates and propels me forward. Just like a champagne cork. I will be launched into 2010 having played full out with what's left of 2009. I will be ready to play full out in 2010 so I will be skinny and hot by Eryn's wedding in May of 2010!!

Anyone else want to create a fitness or weight loss goal by New Years Day 2010? Want an opportunity to play full out before the year is complete?? Let me or Eryn know. I would love to support you in any way I can. 

Thanks for reading.

FEEDING FRENZY!!! Watch your fingers and toes.

Feeding Frenzy

Hello all. I know I already wrote a blog entry this week, but I need to share with you what has happened for the last three days. It has been a feeding frenzy. Like how chum sends sharks into a mindless frenzy. Mentally, I disappeared and my unconscious feeding machine took over. Mentally and physically, I have been having a daily Thanksgiving gorge. Fast Food hamburgers. Smothered Breakfast Burritos. Ice Cream. Yummy food, yet...

Food Coma and Food Hangover anyone?

Don't be concerned. I am not beating myself up for failing. Instead I am trying something new here. I am sharing that I fell completely off the wagon. I don't mean that I got bumped and have been hanging on for dear life. Nope I fell off and just kept eating.

Ever seen Goonies. Remember Chunk. He heads towards the freezer. He smells and sees all the ice cream and doesn't notice the dead guy. I only saw food. Not even the food I was eating. It was more like what I was going to eat next. I don't actually know what set it off. Nothing significant. No tragedy. No serious upsets.

I am thinking of when I used to be on weight watchers. I would go in for the meetings. For those that have never partaken of weight watchers, I will paint the picture. Imagine a strip mall with fast food within walking distance. Potentially a pizza joint right next store. And you walk into a very plain beige room. Could be an insurance office? Other then the simple theatre style chairs all facing towards charts, weight loss tips, and pictures of smiling happy people. Well and the weigh-in booths. Each come with a scale (electronic variety) and your very own thin happy weigher.

The weigh-in women each week were my parish priests in that cathedral of weight loss. On weeks where FEEDING FRENZY had taken over, I was hoping beyond hope that the scale would not show what happened. The weigh in woman would look up at me and depending what the scale said I would either sigh in relief or try to confess what happened. I waited for those weigh in days for that accountability. I waited for those weigh in days frequently to remind me of my commitment. If it wasn't going well during the week, I would wait to say so until confession on weigh in day.

FORCE --> DISRUPT ---> TRY SOMETHING NEW

Ok disrupting my normal ways of thinking, acting, and feeling. I might still be confessing, but I am saying something now. I want to stand on the scale on Monday and fully own whatever it says. Instead of acting surprised and feeling like it happened to me. 'Oh poor me. See I don't have the right genes for being thin.' 'Maybe my scale is broken'. I am just stating a return to my Skinny Bitch game. For those who haven't read the first post by me, the skinny bitches game is - Exercise 30 minutes daily and follow weight watchers as it is designed until I weigh 155 pounds this or better. *After I reach goal I will have someone help me design a maintenance plan.

So this morning I woke up and did P90X. I opened my book where I track points and accounted for breakfast. I am awake and conscious. THank you for reading. Check back in on Monday of next week for the accounting of what is so. ; )

This week was a victory. I danced! I went running, more than once! I've done yoga consistently, every day! And my back feels SO SO So much better! My buddy Cory came to visit for the weekend and we went dancing...the picture is me (double chin and all) up on the go-go box trying to get the crowd riled up. The picture makes it look like I'm the only one dancing...but everyone else was doing the white man's shuffle, too. :) I'm down a 1/2 pound since last week...which is good since Cory and I ate everything in site for 5 days. But I think I didn't gain a bunch of weight because I really did get excited to start cooking with healthy ingredients again. I busted out the ole recipes from when I was married to an Indian...and made a chicken curry that was pretty damn good. I made a lot of whole grains instead of processed grains, and we had a yummy salad for a couple of meals. So we ate well, but didn't eat crap. That made a difference. Eating healthy is so much more fun than counting calories. I can be enrolled by that...and I have so much more fun cooking when my goal is to make "health nut" food taste good. Heck, we even figured out a way to accommodate Cory's request for breakfast burritos by using vegan breakfast sausage and organic whole wheat tortillas. They were tasty! So now I'm back! Feeling good about life again, and slowly but surely, weaning myself off of the nightly alcohol to manage back pain.

The biggest victory was yesterday...when Dave actually laid down and did a Gaiam Rodney Yee yoga video with me...it was totally fluffy bunny, but he did every bit of it, and then remarked last night about how good he felt. We managed to go to bed early...and I poured my rum and coke down the sink. To me, that was big. And then, ladies...you know what happens when you go to bed early and you feel good....time for chicka chicka bow wow!!!

The Joy of Movement

Joy  Of Movement


"The greatest trick and most subtle secret to doing anything really, really well, Shoshanna, is loving that you get to do it at all.

And I'm pleased to say, you get to - 

    The Universe"

*Notes from the Universe by 

Mike Dooley

My joy this week... was movement - Yoga, Dance, and weight lifting. I feel good!


Week 5 11/09/09
Starting Weight 10/05/09: 257.2
Last Week: 251.4
This Morning: 249.4
- 2.0 pounds


I have the temptation to just say "Good Job Sho". But I am willing each week to dig a bit deeper and say what worked and what didn't inside of success and failure. I am going to use this journey full up!


So why the success this week?


Food:
What Worked? 
I paid attention to making good choices while not denying myself. I bought some Marshmallow Lover's hot cocoa. It got rid of my sweet tooth in the afternoon for only 120 calories and 1.5 grams of fat. It was a good choice. Typically when I crave chocolate, I have some and the fat is really high. Hot cocoa gets rid of my craving and is only 2 points versus 4 or 5 points for not much chocolate.


What didn't worked? 
I had a lot of erasure this week. (For those of you who haven't heard me talk about the side effects of having the Lap Band, email or facebook me and I will explain). I wanted to pretend that I didn't have the band this week and eat things that I know will get stuck. I ate a breadstick (olive garden), a tortilla, part of a biscuit. There are things that I should avoid mostly bread, certain kinds meats, certain fruits, and drinking after eating (BAD IDEA). I notice the kid inside fighting with my commitment. It was comical and would have been more funny had I not felt so sick. The best plan is for me to eat the right kind of proteins with veggies. It works best with my tool. ; )




Exercise:
What didn't work?
The only thing that didn't work about exercise this week was # of times I actually made it downstairs to accomplish it. My game is 7 days a week (I created a big game to push myself). I accomplished 4 days. Not bad, but just 57% of the game. 


What worked?
So much this week worked about movement. I added back in Yoga. Yeah! love it love it love it. I am noticing my movement in general is becoming more free and strong. 


Unrelated Victory??
I sometimes get frustrated and annoyed with people. That is a new thing for me. No, I mean I got frustrated with people before but I didn't feel it. I was numb. I was full, numb, and heavy. In the last year since getting the lap band and starting this journey, I can actually feel. I watch my anger starting in my gut boiling like Old Faithful.  It makes its way up to my throat where it wants to burst out of me like a fireball from a dragon's mouth. ARGH!! You might consider being angry not a victory, but for me, it is a new feeling. A welcome feeling. It is correlated to being alive!


So... I ask you to consider have you ever used food instead of feeling. Have you ever watched someone else use food (or something else) to not feel? 


Please add comments and if you read this and are not adding comments, then I don't know you are reading it. Please let me know. 


Have a great week!!